where is my sense of beauty or enjoyment

am I mean and devoid of originality?

why have I created my world?

is it not for my sole enjoyment?

what change must I do beyond seeing all?

should I not enjoy all?

should I not appreciate my deep hurt from bereavement?

should I not enjoy my pain and not look for cure?

Should I not appreciate the beauty of bad and its unlimited devastation power?

should I not enjoy my inabilities? should this be not my ability?

I am my mutely enjoying my sadness and suffering from absence of Cecilia.

I am trying my best to enjoy capacity to vilify my surrounding with her madness abuse and quarrels. I have more tolerance and forbearance than ever before but I am not able to appreciate.

My biological clock wakes me up at late night. I do many hours of reading writing thinking and seeing. I have no interruption from nobody. I often the prolong the hours till morning when children come and fetch me to play with them.

I also make a cup of tea and talk with some in India - my relations. This is beyond the limit of Joya's tolerance. Several times at night she wakes up to investigate what I am doing. I am unable to appreciate this. Even though I am committed to my silence.

I have growing discomfort from growing beard. I wonder when I would appreciate this discomfort and enjoy.

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