I am writer

Most of my time is spent on writing. I write average at least 2000 words a day. I am not read twenty words by my readers. They do not know even that I write. I do not write interesting stories for good reading but only that I am motivated to write. I do not go to see places. I do not go where I can meet people or hear people. I in fact is hard of hearing. Often do not even follow what being said to me. I find asking them again and again. My pronunciations are bad and I cannot follow what is being said. I watch film without transcript. I try to follow film by intuitively making up story that can be very wrong.

Just now I am watching Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown. Once he was a chef he wrote and captured about food and food making in various part of the world. Alongside he tells stories of people. I did not even hear of him before. Apparently he committed suicide about a month ago. He was addicted to all form of drugs - I am closely watching his face closely to find out does his addiction show in the films! I have this despicable tendency to not look at any for what they are but see and verify the truths of perceived reports. suicide I think is not normal. But for many men I am committing suicide myself by making no enquiry of my own body and mind for last 45 years.

I remember it took many many attempts to see the genius of Van Gouge from his paintings, instead I always saw his cutting of his ear and presenting to a woman in a brothel is act of madness. I am often blinded by my preconceived notions. I do not even by mistake take drug or medicine. Except once in rare times I may try Homeopathy not looking for cure but to divert my mind. I almost do not drink alcohol. I like Darjeeling Tea and water. Sometimes I take soda water and mineral water for health reason. I am a rice eater. Often I eat boiled vegetables. I like to cook lot of vegetables rice and lentils. I call it Khichuri. I am also fond of making chicken stew.  I like fish fry. I cannot cook my food these days. My kitchen is forever occupied by Joya.

I eat whatever she cooks. Often it is not very tasty. I keep lot of sauce handy when the taste is very bad. Joya and I married without knowing anything about her. She was my mothers choice. She is my beads for prayer. My tool to learn tolerance and forbearance. I learn silence and how to disappear without moving an inch or batting my eyelids. She pours venom on me and I do not ask her to stop. She stops when she is truly exhausted.

While cycling the neighborhood I asked myself what can I teach. What is that is most difficult to teach? What is Darshan? Why someone travel thousands of mile for a darshan? What they learn from such meetings? what did I learn in badrinath from my meeting the person whom I did not know yet wished to meet? Who is Buddha?

I learn quite a few things from Buddha. The art of disappearance. Being absent in the present. He did not attempt to teach but shows me by demonstration. He taught me how to be himself and remain unchanged in a changing world. How to bear himself and environment and remain unexcited but enjoying without efforts

In words he told when there is no humanity in the world - what is there to expect?

What is my freedom? where is my freedom? Leaving the world? Avoiding the world?

Or living at the center of world at the eye of the world - perceiving all in-discriminatingly without preference.