History

Most interesting thing about history, say Baburnama, when I read, I live a life of me 6 centuries from now.

I do not think or see with the eyes of who wrote that with words known to him with whatever he meant. Then the same writing went through several translators how they understood it in their then context. I cannot bridge the gap. However I read and retain in my memory as per the cook who is cooking me for past 68 years or more through many life times.

What purpose?

Ancients tells me in one word - no purpose. No reason.

The cook who is cooking me has no objective.

Here is my belief. I do not believe this.

He cooks me - my beliefs are my bones my perceptions are my flesh. When the cooking is done he devours me. He picks bones that he cannot does not like and makes me more or less or different beliefs I come back on earth to grow - farmed and cooked for his supper. It all depends on how much and what he likes of me. I shall have a life again to be farmed and cooked.

Life after life I have no choice.

I cannot use the word me for me. I am 100% that.

My learning about me affects me. Traditionally what I am afraid of does not influence my compulsive perception that used to be. I have lesser motivation to perceive even when I am faulted.

I have acquired quite a few technology books but not reading them. My motivation have left me. I used to pride myself to be exceptionally brilliant thinker - I no longer think so. I cannot pick any more assumption and cannot any more believe that it shall open or create new world for me. I am increasingly hear others believe and no motivation to provide counter example to prove them wrong. Or show them their blindness.

I have learn this far that I know that I am blind.

I am blinded with believes about me and my people. In a way I am becoming bald. The tentacles with which I was supporting myself groping nothing The beliefs that I have what others think of me is no more important or exciting. I am no longer actively seeking to see my reflection in others.

I am no longer seeking association or promote my credibility or desirability or continuity in my world.

My world has lost lot of shine and attraction; no more has the ability to stop my breath or heart beat or make me thinking of my prospect.

It is okay if I don't do, don't say, don't think or don't continue.

It is okay to lose. It is okay to bear recoverable loss in silence and not try to recover. It is okay to bear unbearable.

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