dharma: chhorda

chhorda is the largest observation database on a single individual
not all observations were witnessed by me but related by others
i have seen his innovative mind
i was impressed with his magic and stories of mathematics
i was very impressed with his ways to create and define rules of game
i did not appreciate his games of bridge
i enjoyed chess and puzzles more
i read more literature than him
i do not learn words
my sentences are always experiment
he always expressed to avoid confusion
i do not avoid confusion

i was very impressed with his perfection with carrom game
he could win all games trailing 0-2 and short of 1 point from defeat in the 3rd game
he had deep memory and could recite very complex derivation in short time from memory
he taught me in college for about 4 years

i had no desire to supersede him in academics
i looked for brilliance that is not step by step derivation
my technique is to conduct new search for rules and not conduct results to my memory
i am fond of observation rather than committed results
results are not time invariant except in academy

why i did that i do not know but having conducted my research on chhorda independently
i knew that he is often wrong when it came to himself
his faith in his discovered rules were faulty
except in the domain of academic research that is only five centuries old
he was famed in isi for his counter example and derivation
he was unparallel

he believed in having incurable disease and willingly performed experiment in a scientific manner as per his reading to diagnose the same and treat himself to cure

he was totally averse to natural cure
he did not believe the body has the ability to kill all disease all by itself
he never tried natural cure
i have not seen another individual with that much faith in antibiotics except his disciple chhordi

my rule is
if i possess something fatal - it shall manifest and result in my death
fatal has no cure
my body is well equipped to finish off all non-fatal enemies without my assistance
chhorda needed support even when he was unmarried and staying alone
he needed support from money food relations physicians establishments
it is a wrong rule and he never corrected himself
ancients - rishis buddhas vyasa valmikis they supported people and took no support from technology or establishments
he exhaustively read science fiction thriller crime stories biography of scientists ...
he loved watching games in tv
he was voracious reader and loved music especially rabindra sangeet
he enjoyed meat flesh fish milk sweets
he enjoyed bridge tournament
he was happiest ever in a bridge tournament and involved
elsewhere he was just silent and detached
his bridge technique was not bidding to discover but locating 52 cards and as fast as possible
he did not depend on his partner's support
he was open to anyone for his partner

chhorda is a rare soul
a complete ascetic who gave without asking for money recognition fame or something
everyone benefited from him his teachers colleagues juniors students any one in his vicinity

all poured over and wrote to me after his death
writing about him and his influence in their life

http://chhorda.blogspot.com/2012/08/kamal-roy.html

i pointed this out to him and tried to intervene
he always rebuked me
once he hit me
he told me i am very shallow
i asked him to read vivekchudamoni
his calcutta residence
i filled with upanishads jk zen dhammapada etc among many other books of literature
he derided me saying i am a parrot and my explanation of epics as not being original
he did not believe that it is always product of my individual research and it was not available in writing anywhere

i often discussed ancients and epics with ma

instead he asked me to respect his struggle for survival
he was relaxed consuming medicine even chemo blood oxygen and being treated in hospital
he was relaxed with unreliable characters liars such as chhordi madhu and doubtful competence of younger generation doctors managers frauds and story tellers
he believed in modern technique and technology
it was his dharma
manifested in karma

did he understand his mistake at his death
he is a failure as an intelligent being
back from kolkata i was quiet
i sent an email to my acquaintance of my horrible experience in india and kolkata
they died for me
it was anonymous writing using anonymous email without signature
chhorda chanced upon me
he knew my extremely odd style of writing
he wrote a very long letter saying
he was waiting for my words
he explained his hopelessness and his disappointment with his treatment
he called me cynic and frustrated
he asked for my appreciation for his holy struggle to survive
he wished best for my family sincerely
saying i remain his most beloved of all

i do not know and i would not know
however i suspect he realized he was a prisoner of his relations
who had no intention to see him cured and alive outside hospital
both of his sisters went to temple when he was in hospital
they were not praying for his cure

i have recovered enough to do with my remaining time on the earth
my one half is dead but i meet him often in my dreams
in the academy of my life he was my only teacher
i learnt to reason and give up from him
i was undergoing extreme low period of inflow of money
i spent lot of money with lawyers to get back my dues
i borrowed 40000 from him
he asked me to give up and proceed with remainder of life
i took his advice
he remained my teacher all through my life even now
he is divine

[my story teller sisters never lose any opportunity
they told everyone chhorda bears expense for my family
story telling is their dharma
dharma manifest in karma]

my mother was also my divine aid
set me into motion in my search
her only advice was
buddha never asks
you know you have reached the destination when you are enveloped in joy that you never known before
 divinity


i am without medicine friends relation support money for 5 decades
he died at 68
i am 68+
i realized self support is only support at least 40 plus years back in 70's
for me it is not respectable to struggle for existence
it is meanest selfish and useless goal one may have

i hate communism religion membership faith in any ism for that matter
on matter of survival
i have no belief or disbelief
i do not like to enter any hospital for my bodies survival
my survival is not important to me
i spend money only for my whims and entertainment
not ever for extending my life for another moment
i bear my disease
i do not cure my disease of body or mind
i bear my disease in public
disease is divine
my karma

i studied in isi where he was there
i carefully avoided to confront him
i remained silent all through 4 years he taught me
all my teachers dreaded my presence in the class
i never made any note or carried a notebook except a paper in case i need do a class work
i respected him and did not wish to prove me better
i did not go into research in his department
even though i stood first in the selection test for research
despite my teachers asking me to join the same for hours

i opted out
my independence is not negotiable
-------------------------------------------

dharma is absent in me
i have no manifestation
i see i have to see dharma and all its manifestation no choice
i have to see all is absent no choice
there is no truth